


Command Squad Chat

by writehandman



Series: The Happening [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Chatlogs, Multi, but SUPER loose as a prequel, here's the fic that's even more ridiculous than tth, technically a prequel, yeehaw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-18
Updated: 2020-03-30
Packaged: 2021-02-08 11:17:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21475132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writehandman/pseuds/writehandman
Summary: Cody realizes that he can make a group chat. This is probably the worst possible thing he could have done.
Relationships: CC-2224 | Cody/Obi-Wan Kenobi, CC-5052 | Bly/Aayla Secura
Series: The Happening [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1547944
Comments: 252
Kudos: 1865
Collections: Fun/Humour/Crack in a Galaxy Far Far Away, Starwarschats, TexWash's Must Reads and Rereads





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Like two people asked for this, and I cave VERY easily to praise and also requests. Technically a prequel.

_ CC-2224: oh hey!! the huds have a chat function!! _

_ CC-2224: there's also an app for datapads, ok this is pretty dang cool _

_ CC-1010: is this what the function is for? _

_ CC-1010: also, i recognize ponds, wolffe and bly, but who's the ct? _

_ CT-7567: hi I'm rex somehow I got into the command track and Cody bullied me into being his friend _

[**CC-2224** ** _ changed their name to _****Rock'n'roll fuckboys]**

_ Rock'n'roll fuckboys: tight. _

_CC-1010: whatever power out there is listening, PLEASE_ _dont have these chats be monitored_

**[Rock'n'roll fuckboys ****_changed _****CC-1010****_'s_** **_name to _****primadona]**

_ primadona: i know this is entirely to get a rise out of me _

_ primadona: i Hate that it's working _

_ Rock'n'roll fuckboys: it's bullying fox hours baby _

_ CC-3636: we're bullying fox? _

_ primadona: hi wolffe. Also, it's fucking always bullying me hours. you always bully me. I have the THICKEST skin _

_ CC-6454: guys, im sitting next to fox and he's already crying _

_ primadona: crying is healthy _

_ CC-6454: i don't think you're as well adjusted as you claim _

_ primadona: I have _ ** _never_ ** _ claimed to be well adjusted _

_ CC-5052: Cody this is the dumbest shit I've ever seen I'm busy _

_ Rock'n'roll fuckboys: doing what? Eyeing your new general _

_ CC-5052: SHUT UP _

**[primadona ****_changed _****CC-5052****_'s_** **_name to _****Mr. Secura]**

_ Mr. Secura: GUYS WHAT THE FUCK _

_ primadona: oh i think i like the thrill of sowing chaos _

_ Rock'n'roll fuckboys: if you don't want me to pick a nickname for you do it now _

_ CC-6454: FUCK _

_ CT-7567: FUCK _

_ CC-3636: FUCK² _

**[CC-3636** ** _ changed their name to _****bitey mcjaws]**

**[CC-6454 ** ** _changed their name to _****Pondsering**

**[CT-7567** ** _ changed their name to _****rexual healing]**

_ Rock'n'roll fuckboys: none of you are valid _

_ Pondsering: shut up idiot _

_ Rock'n'roll fuckboys: ooooo sick burn _

_ Rock'n'roll fuckboys: not. _

_ rexual healing: im out here like, who the Fuck is my commander and on top of that, where the hell is the Jedi _

_ rexual healing: cause it isn't one of you _

_ bitey mcjaws: are you sure about that _

_ Rock'n'roll fuckboys: give me five minutes _

_ rexual healing: ??? _

_ Pondsering: ah watch. He's gonna work his magic _

_ Mr. Secura: i feel so sorry for whatever poor soul he's harassing _

_ primadona: may the ancestors have mercy on them _

_ rexual healing: _ ** _?????????????_ **

_ bitey mcjaws: they're joking. mostly. _

_ rexual healing: that is the OPPOSITE of reassuring _

_ Rock'n'roll fuckboys: ok, so i stole the generals datakey, so it seems like you're under appo, rex, you guys aren't gonna be on the ground for a while, you're slated as reinforcements for now _

_ rexual healing: doesn't ring a bell, ill keep an eye out for him _

_ primadona: shocker, that one _

_ rexual healing: i literally never would've guessed that you're this much of a shit fox _

_ primadona: nobody ever does. It's great because if im sparring, all I have to do is make a joke and my opponent loses _

_ Mr. Secura: not because they're funny, it's just jarring _

**Pondsering sent an image: **file-4688382.jpg

_ Pondsering: he looks so offended guys _

_ primadona: it's because I AM _

_ primadona: wait a fuck. Cody, did you say you stole your _ ** _generals_ ** _ datakey????????? _

_ Rock'n'roll fuckboys: yeah, so? _

_ primadona: ill say your remembrances vod _

_ bitey mcjaws: Cody got one thing from the OG and that my friends, was bullheadedness _

_ Rock'n'roll fuckboys: i literally just walked up to him, said "i need this" and then walked away _

_ Rock'n'roll fuckboys: he seems hot and kinda dumb _

_ bitey mcjaws: absolute himbo _

_ \----- _

**[Rock'n'roll fuckboys** ** _ changed their name to _****keno-bisexual]**

_ keno-bisexual: BOYS _

_ Mr. Secura: oh, and I'm the Jedi fucker??? _

_ keno-bisexual: HE FIGHTS SO GOOD _

_ keno-bisexual: HE CUT SIX DROIDS IN HALF LITERALLY RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME AND I ALMOST CAME _

_ rexual healing: why the fuck would you tell us that _

_ keno-bisexual: only issue is that his Padawan is a whiny little shit with the biggest crush on senator Amidala, but im willing to deal with it _

_ bitey mcjaws: sounds like you're crushing on the general _

_ keno-bisexual: oh it's not a crush, I am fully in love _

_ Pondsering: you dramatic bitch _

_ keno-bisexual: he's even more dramatic than me ponds. fuck he's HOT. _

**keno-bisexual sent a video:** lookathim.mp4

_ bitey mcjaws: i take it all back _

_ bitey mcjaws: holy shit people can move like that????? _

_ Pondsering: actually Cody, if you don't fuck him, I will _

_ Mr. Secura: you don't even LIKE men ponds _

_ Pondsering: it's the principal of the thing _

_ keno-bisexual: back off you heterosexual bicth _

_ keno-bisexual: *bitch _

_ Mr. Secura: _ ** _BICTH_ **

_ Pondsering: _ ** _BICTH???????_ **

_ rexual healing: _ ** _BICTH_ **

_ primadona: im late to the party but _ ** _BICTH_ **

_ bitey mcjaws: _ ** _BICTH_ **

**[Mr. Secura** **_changed _****keno-bisexual'****_s nickname to Bicth_****]**

_ Bicth: this is homophobic _

_ Bicth: Rex save me _

_ rexual healing: okay bicth _

_ Bicth: this is the worst. All I want to talk about is how absolutely incredible my Jedi is and you're out here bullying me _

_ primadona: afraid of a little bullying? pathetic. _

_ Bicth: i hate all of you _

_ bitey mcjaws: in other news my general is really cool and already knows my name, and a bunch of the others. he can tell us apart!!! _

_ Mr. Secura: is it talk about our Jedi tima?? _

_ Pondsering: yes. _

_ Pondsering: for everyone but you. _

_ Mr. Secura: this is discrimination, because I'm a clone, huh? _

_ Pondsering: no, you're sappy and it leaves my throat feeling weird _

_ Mr. Secura: cranky cause you're not tender, huh? _

_ primadona: Bly you literally commed me two days ago hyperventilating because she clapped your shoulder and said you did a good job _

_ bitey mcjaws: why are we talking about blys praise kink _

_ Mr. Secura: MY WHAT?????????? _

_ rexual healing: this fucking chat is a nightmare _

_ Bicth: nobody needs to hear about your kinks Bly _

_ Mr. Secura: I HATE THIS _

_ Pondsering: not that anyone is asking, but Mace Windu has an eight pack _

_ rexual healing: YOU'VE SEEN HIS ABS??? THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN DOING??? _

_ Pondsering: you know ;) _

_ Pondsering: I'm joking. no I had to hose him down after he fell into the WORST smelling mud puddle _

** _[multiple people are typing]_ **

\-----

_ Windu washer: who changed my name _

_ Windu washer: it was Cody wasn't it _

_ Bicth: actually it was Rex _

_ Bicth: troopers got balls _

_ rexual healing: don't throw me under the speeder Cody!! _

_ bitey mcjaws: when will you leArN that your acTIONS HAVE _ ** _CONSEQUENCES????????_ **

\-----

_ Mr. Secura: _ ** _GUYS IM HAVING A CRISIS_ **

_ Cody of the jungle: what?? The hell's happening vod??? _

_ wolffey boy: Bly are you ok??? _

_ foxboxvox: ?? _

_ Mr. Secura: ok so i was on my pad and aayla saw my nickname and she giggled and sent me a message and now her nickname is Mrs. Bly is she making fun of me?? _

_ Pondsering: …. _

_ Rex (also) of the jungle: … _

_ wolffey boy: dude _

_ Mr. Secura: WHAT?? TELL ME!! I DONT KNOW WHATS HAPPENING _

_ foxboxvox: okay so this is Absolutely Wild for me to be the one to point this out. But she is 100% into you dude _

_ Mr. Secura: _ ** _WHAT_ **

\-----

**foxboxvox sent an image: **chancellor-fuckthisguy.png

_ foxboxvox: he literally just handed me about nine inches worth of paperwork and told me to forge his signature _

_ foxboxvox: i am This close to deserting _

_ Codester: you won't _

_ foxboxvox: yeah you're right _

\-----

_ Cody, but a little to the left: boys. boys. BOYS. I HAVE AN EMERGENCY _

_ Rexy Mofo: yeah what? _

_ Pondsering: LITTLE BUSY, THIS BETTER BE A REAL EMERGENCY _

_ Cody, but a little to the left: for everyone but ponds, this is an emergency _

_ Cody, but a little to the left: I saw kenobis ass. _

_ Wulf: OOOOOOOOOHHHHH HELL YEAH!! _

_ blynded by the light: is it a nice ass? _

_ Cody, but a little to the left: i swear, you could bounce a credit chit off of it. _

_ What does the fox say?: I will literally give you twenty cred if you try _

_Cody, but a little to the left: i don't have a _**_death_** **_wish_**_ fox!!_

_ Cody, but a little to the left: also, knowing my luck, he'd know it was me IMMEDIATELY _

_ Wulf: consider this: he's into you, and that's why you saw his ass _

_ Cody, but a little to the left: unlikely. He got bit by a stinging nettle fly on his upper thigh after he plowed through a field of droids. _

_ Cody, but a little to the left: it was hot, and impressive, and then he got taken down by a fly. _

_ Rexy Mofo: that's the most Kenobi thing I've ever heard _

_ Cody, but a little to the left: god, it's _ ** _such_ ** _ a nice ass _

_ Pondsering: ok, battle lull. Good job Cody, next time maybe get a look when he's Not in the medbay _

_ Cody, but A little to the left: ha ha. As if. _

_ \----- _

_ Glory: i did it. I lived up to the name kote. _

_ Not A Furry: ?? _

_ Wulf: spill the beans, you've hated that name forever _

_ rexington: your name is kote??? _

_ Pondsering: story for a different time, CODY WHAT DO YOU MEAN _

_ Bly Secura: spill spill spill spill spill sp _

_ Glory: i porked obiwan kenobi _

_ Glory: i did the horizontal tango _

_ Glory: the two backed beast _

_ Glory: i fucked general Kenobi _

_ Wulf: WHAT?? HOLY SHIT _

_ rexington: CODY _

_ Not A Furry: HELL YEAH _

_ Bly Secura: DUDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! _

_ Pondsering: absolute LEGEND _

_ rexington: now heres the important part. Was it good? _

_ Glory: absolutely. I only remember bits of it though, because it was 98% adrenaline fueled _

_ Glory: but what i do remember. Gods. Amazing. _

_ Not A Furry: is it weird to say that I'm proud of you? _

_ Glory: probably not. I'm proud of me. _

_ rexington: is anyone going to explain the kote thing?? _

_ Wulf: no _

_ Pondsering: nah _

_ Bly Secura: nope _

_ Not A Furry: you can't make me _

_ Glory: no. Live with the mystery. _

_ rexington: i can't wait to get you drunk and pry it out of you _

_ Glory: that's fine, I'll at least get alcohol then _

_ \----- _

_ Glory: uh fuck guys _

_ Blyght: oh no, what now _

_ Glory: I think I'm in a committed relationship with Kenobi _

_ Foxless: isn't that what you wanted _

_ Glory: yeah, but in the abstract. This motherfucker leaves his dirty socks EVERYWHERE _

_ Glory: I could've sworn he was a neat freak _

_ Pondsering: next time, set his socks on fire in front of him _

_ Blyght: aayla just puts them in my bucket if I leave them around and after two times i never did it again _

_ Glory: UNFORTUNATELY, this asshole Won't! Wear! Armor! _

_ Wolves are Kool: dad won't either _

_ Rexting: who? _

_ Foxless: hate to break it to you, but the OG is super dead _

_ Wolves are Kool: I MEANT GENERAL KOON _

_ Glory: IM YELLING _

**[Glory ** ** _changed _ ** **Wolves are Kool** ** _'s name to _ ** **Plo's son]**

_ Plo's son: GOD I WISH _

_ Plo's son: anyway, I think you should just slowly take away whatever socks he has lying around, and then when he's out of socks, arrange them artfully on the bed in a big middle finger _

_ Glory: … I hate that we're on the same frequency here _

_ Rexting: cody cody cody you legally have to record his reaction _

_ Foxless: motion passed _

** _Foxless sent an image: _ **updatedGARregulationmanual38439.pdf

_ Pondsering: did you really use your max clearance to write "addendum 477890(g): Any Marshal Commander, when footage of any event is requested, must provide to the best of their abilities"????? _

_ Plo's son: FOX THIS IS THE ONLY TIME IM GONNA SAY IT _

_ Plo's son: I FUCKING LOVE YOU _

_ Foxless: :'-) _

_ Plo's son: dont ever speak to me again if you're using NOSES in your smileys _

**[Glory has kicked Foxless out of the chat]**

_ Glory: i cannot believe a brother would commit such a crime _

_ Glory: absolutely blocked _

**[CC-1010 has been added to the chat]**

_ CC-1010: im sorry _

**[CC-1010 ** ** _changed their name to_ ** ** Crying Emoji]**

_ Crying Emoji: i have seen the error of my ways and will become a better person. _

_ Pondsering: Unlikely >:-/ _

_ Crying Emoji: SO PONDS CAN DO IT???? _

_ Glory: yeah its because i like ponds _

_ Crying Emoji: blocked, blocked, blocked, none of you are free of sin _

_ Crying Emoji: (bullying me) _

_ Glory: take it up with my new boyfriend (??) Partner, fuckbuddy who I guess lives with me now (??) _

_ Crying Emoji: DEAR GENERAL KENOBI. YOUR COMMANDER IS A PIECE OF SHIT. LOVE, FOX. _

_ Rexting: god this is a work of art _

_ Plo's son: foxs letter?? _

_ Rexting: this whole kriffing chat _

_ Pondsering: less art, more of, eh, let's go with flaming dumpster heap full of haunted dolls? _

_ Rexting: that feels right._


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright I caved and added another chapter

_ Codester: let's say, theoretically that i know who rexs new general is _

_ Rexed Up: WHAT _

_ Codester: and theoretically it'd be very fun to talk about them vaguely and make Rex insane, right? _

_ Rexed Up: YOU DICK _

_ Pondsering: oh hell yeah _

_ Woof: do it do it do it do it _

_ 2Bly2furious: this'll be GREAT _

_ Foxtrot: haha yeah _

_ Rexed Up: WHY WON'T YOU TELL ME THESE VERY IMPORTANT THINGS??? _

_ 2Bly2Furious: CC privilege _

_ Rexed Up: you all SUCK _

_ Codester: you know who else sucks? _

_ Codester: you'll eventually find out. _

_ Rexed Up: FUCK YOU _

_ Foxtrot: ohohoho just looked it up. _

_ Foxtrot: rip to Rex _

_ Pondsering: oh shit bro _

_ Pondsering: may you rest easy in your grave _

_ 2Bly2Furious: oh honey. Oh little brother. Oh sweetie. This is gonna be a wild ride buddy. _

_ Woof: QHSHDHWKBDJWMAKQ _

_ Woof: Rex ur fucked _

_ Rexed Up: awful. All of you. Awful. _

_ \----- _

**New Direct Message: **

_ CT-7567: hey Cody? _

_ CC-2224: yeah? _

_ CT-7567: i cannot fucking believe you _

_ CT-7567: you RECOMMENDED the 501 for skywalker???????????? _

_ CT-7567: just know, that if I die, it's your fault _

_ CC-2224: its because you're the only asshole I could think of that would keep up _

_ CC-2224: think of it this way! We'll see each other more! _

_ CT-7567: you say this like this is an ADVANTAGE. _

_ CC-2224: see if i get you anything for lifeday, ungrateful little shit _

_ \----- _

_ Get Rekt: Skywalker is INSANE _

_ Codi: yeah bro, are you surprised? _

_ Get Rekt: he threw me??? _

_ Get Rekt: with the force??? _

_ Get Rekt: AND DIDN'T EVEN ASK ME????? _

_ Pondsering: welcome to jedi _

_ Wulf: do you want a t-shirt? _

_ Get Rekt: maybe an apology _

_ 2Bly2Furious: haha unlikely _

_ Foxtrot: we're not people! You know that! _

_ Wulf: … i mean yeah, but way to bring the mood down bro _

_ Foxtrot: :-) doin my job. Local buzzkill! _

_ Codi: good job. Real proud of you buddy. _

**[Codi ** ** _has kicked _ ** **Foxtrot ** ** _into the channel: _ ** **foxes shame corner]**

**[****_Guess who's back! _****Foxtrot** **_has returned!_****]**

_ Foxtrot: okay i deserved that _

_ Get Rekt: yeah you did _

_Get Rekt: and yes _**@Wulf** _i would like a t-shirt. Very much._

_ Wulf: ponds you're the artist here _

_ Pondsering: no. Im not making any more t-shirts _

_ Wulf: I'll let you have some of the snickerdoodles im making _

_ Pondsering: you've forced my hand _

**Pondsering sent an image: **tshirt2-8.png

_ Pondsering: what you do with this is your choice _

_ Get Rekt: i love it. "I got thrown with the force and all I got was this stupid t-shirt" im having one made and im billing it to skywalkers credits card _

\-----

_ Wulf: lol fox was crying over a novel today _

_ Foxtrot: shut up. Just because _ ** _you _ ** _ have the emotional range of a watercress sandwich doesn't mean all of us do. _

_ Foxtrot: and the hero sacrificed himself for his loves memory it was very touching. _

_ Wulf: do you even hear yourself _

_ Foxtrot: Christie agrees with me it's very sad _

_ 2Bly2Furious: i can't believe you're older than me _

_ Foxtrot: shut up!! This is my only hobby and i won't let any of you tarnish it. _

_ Codi: aww baby brother grew a backbone _

_ Foxtrot: im fully sick of your shit _

_ Get Rekt: who isn't though _

_ Foxtrot: you know what. Read the karking book. _

**Foxtrot sent an attachment: **duskonanalienworld.pdf

_ Foxtrot: well. It's been a few hours. Opinions? _

_ Wulf: FOX I TAKE IT ALL BACK _

_ Wulf: im fuckibg sobbing _

_ Pondsering: THAT WAS SO SAD SHE FORGOT HIM???? OH NOOO!! GOD THIS WAS AWFUL. I LOVED IT. I THOUGHT ROMANCES WERE SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY!! _

_ Foxtrot: eat your heart out neimodian sparks _

_ 2Bly2Furious: fox im so upset, I'm sobbing, my sargents are sobbing, hell! Even aayla is crying too!!!! _

_ 2Bly2Furious: we were listening to it as an audiobook on the bridge and you've single handedly crippled the command of the 327. We're all crying. This is awful. _

_ 2Bly2Furious: the sex scenes were surprisingly tasteful. _

_ Codi: obiwan walked in and I had to explain to him that no, something terrible hadn't happened, it was a _ ** _book _ ** _ that had brought me to tears _

_ Codi: fox I haven't cried in like. A year. How the fuck do you this. _

_ Get Rekt: Cody that is NOT healthy _

_ Codi: nobody asked you Rex _

_ Foxtrot: this is why i have a bookclub. And these books are why we drink. _

_ Wulf: tell me then fox. What wine pairs well with tears? _

_ Foxtrot: a spring of 1347 serepin zinfandel. _

_ Foxtrot: or a nice rosé _

_ Codi: how about box wine _

_ Pondsering: or shiny made rotgut _

_ Foxtrot: i genuinely can't believe we're related _

_ 2Bly2Furious: neither can we _

_ Foxtrot: >:-O _

\-----

_ Wulf: i can't feel my toes :( _

_ Foxtrot: there is a joke here that even i won't take _

_ Wulf: gross _

**[Wulf ** ** _changed _ ** **Foxtrot** ** _'s name to _ ** **footfoxish]**

_ footfoxish: next time I see you. I will revoke your kneecap privileges. _

**[footfoxish ** ** _changed their name to _ ** **Foxter]**

_ Foxter: you're dead to me wolffe _

_ Wulf: AND SO ARE MY TOES _

_ Wulf: i think I have frostbite _

_ Pondsering: and what have i taught you wolffe'ika?? _

_ Wulf: …. When someone bites you, bite them back _

_ Get Rekt: WAIT _

_ Get Rekt: PONDS ARE YOU THE REASON WOLFFE HAS HIS NAME??? _

_ Pondsering: no. Wolffe bit that trainer without any provocation. _

_ Get Rekt: _ ** _WHAT_ **

_ Wulf: he was being mean to fox. Only we're allowed to be mean to fox. _

_ Foxter: gee. thanks. _

_ Wulf: you're welcome. Bitch. _

_ Foxter: how is this my life. I rank higher than all of you. _

_ Get Rekt: ok commander _

_ Foxter: DONT OK COMMANDER ME ALL THE SHINIES HAVE BEEN DOING THIS TO ME _

_ Pondsering: ok commander _

_ Wulf: ok commander _

_ Get Rekt: so if we're talking stories behind names _

_ Get Rekt: anyone want to tell me about the Kote thing _

_ Wulf: no _

_ Pondsering: nope. Sorry. _

_ Foxter: the more you ask the better it feels to tell you no. _

_ Get Rekt: fine. Fox? Ponds? _

_ Pondsering: i fell into a pond on our first ground mission during training _

_ Wulf: HE HAD A FROG IN HIS MOUTH WHEN HE SURFACED IT WAS GREAT _

_ Foxter: i still think we should have called him ribbit _

_ Pondsering: and every day im thankful you didn't _

_ Wulf: fox. Tell rex your story. _

_ Foxter: do i have to? _

_ Wulf: if you don't I'll tell him about when we were eight. _

_ Foxter: RIGHT THEN. _

_ Foxter: so back when we were cadets I snuck into the vents, and I used to stash things the older vod'e wanted to hide _

_ Get Rekt: and?? _

_ Foxter: and nothing. I stopped when we shipped out. _

_ Wulf: yeah. Sly bastard. _

_ Get Rekt: oh I get it now _

_ Wulf: there is 100% some of my alcohol back on Kamino that fox didn't retrieve _

_ Foxter: i only did this out of the goodness of my heart _

_ Pondsering: and that the alpha class let you drink at twelve _

_ Foxter: it was disgusting rye whiskey and why I'll only drink wine now _

_ Get Rekt: yeah we know fox _

_ Get Rekt: what happened when you were eight? _

_ Foxter: i will take that to my grave, even if I have to take Wolffe with me _

_ Wulf: wow. Dark. _

\-----

_ Codi: wow. The young'uns went wild while we were gone _

_ 2Bly2Furious: is Fox older than me _

_ Codi: not if I say he's not _

_ 2Bly2Furious: Excellent. Fox'ika it is. _

_ Foxter: OH COME ON _

_ Pondsering: at least Rex is younger than you _

_ Codi: not anymore _

_ Get Rekt: HELL YEAH _

_ Foxter: bastard _

_ Wulf: is that anyway to speak to your big brother?? _

_ Foxter: my apologies. CAPTAIN bastard. _

_ Get Rekt: it's ok _

_ Foxter: i can't believe a bottle blonde is "older" than me _

_ Codi: HDHSJSJJSJAKLALFNNEI _

_ Get Rekt: EXCUSE ME? _

_ Get Rekt: _ ** _BOTTLE BLONDE????_ **

_ 2Bly2Furious: fox just coming for rexs life huh _

_ Wulf: oh please bitch, as if those eyebrows and that hair match _

_ Get Rekt: I AM A NATURAL BLONDE _

**[Foxter ** ** _changed _ ** **Get Rekt** ** _'s name to _ ** **Bottle Blonde]**

_ Bottle Blonde: I AM I SWEAR. I DYE MY EYEBROWS _

_ Pondsering: WHY?? _

_ Bottle Blonde: so I can scowl more efficiently _

_ Bottle Blonde: _ ** _@codi _ ** _ you've seen me dye my eyebrows _

_ Codi: to be fair, he looks absolutely ridiculous with his platinum blonde eyebrows _

_ Foxter: are _

_ Foxter: there's no way you're a natural blonde _

_ Bottle Blonde: I AM! _

_ Wulf: even as a kid?? _

_ Bottle Blonde: I LITERALLY SAID IM A NATURAL BLONDE _

_ 2Bly2Furious: sounds like what a bottle blonde would say _

_ Wulf: you "probably" were "blonde" naturally at some point _

_ Bottle Blonde: I can see that there's no winning this _

_ Pondsering: so if we've all accepted that Rex is a bottle blonde, can we fucking talk about gree and his new hair choices?? _

_ Wulf: OH MY GOD DONT MAKE ME THINK ABOUT IT _

_ Wulf: I can't believe he did that to his curls _

_ Foxter: he had the nicest hair out of any CC _

_ Bottle Blonde: are _

_ Bottle Blonde: are we talking about the same gree???? _

_ 2Bly2Furious: ok give me a second _

**2Bly2Furious sent an image: **greewithhair.jpg

_ Bottle Blonde: WHAT THE FUCK HE HAD SO MUCH HAIR _

_ Wulf: when our squads got to train together he used to let me braid it :( _

_ Foxter: it looks like he has two bacon strips glued to his head _

_ Foxter: I don't know how he managed to kill all the texture in his hair it's horrifying _

_ Codi: BACON _

_ Codi: Petition to rename him to commander bacon greese _

_ Pondsering: BACON GREESE _

_ 2Bly2Furious: AJDHDBJSJXJWKDBSKZBSKSLXB _

_ Wulf: i almost feel bad for not letting gree defend himself _

_ Wulf: almost. _

_ Foxter: should have thought it through before committing so hard _

_ Pondsering: the only way to go is to shave it all and then start over _

_ Wulf: i have a razor and free time _

_ Codi: no, we have to let the vod'e make their own choices _

_ Foxter: no matter how ugly :-/ _

_ 2Bly2Furious: well. At least nobody will confuse him with anyone else. _

_ Bottle Blonde: there's at least that _

_ Pondsering: doesn't mean it isn't awful _

_ Wulf: TRUEEE _

\-----

_ Wulf: fox _

_ Wulf: fox _

_ Wulf: fox _

_ Wulf: fox _

_ Wulf: fox _

_ Wulf: _ ** _@foxter_ ** _ fox _

_ Wulf: FOX YOU BITCH I SEE YOU'RE ONLINE _

_ Foxter: god i was hoping I could avoid whatever this is. _

_ Wulf: no fucking way. _ ** _@everyone_ **

_ Codi: come on man i was sleeping _

_ 2Bly2Furious: what's happening _

_ Pondsering: ?? _

_ Bottle Blonde: what wolffe _

_ Wulf: fox is it true you have a galactic Senate tramp stamp _

_ 2Bly2Furious: WHAT _

_ Bottle Blonde: YOU'RE JOKING _

_ Codi: HOLY SHIT IM SCREECHING _

_ Pondsering: EHAT THEB FICJK _

_ Foxter: yeah. _

_ Wulf: WHO WANTS TO SEE THE PICTURE THORNE SENT ME _

_ Codi: ME _

_ Pondsering: ME _

_ 2Bly2Furious: UH YEAH??? _

_ Bottle Blonde: DO YOU HAVE TO ASK _

**Wulf sent an image: **screenshot73628a2_78.png

_ Pondsering: OH FUCK DUDE THAT SURE IS A TRAMP STAMP _

_ 2Bly2Furious: JJDJLEKHSKHSKHSJGSHKSGK _

_ Pondsering: I CAN'T BELIEVE IT _

_ PONDSERING: THE _ ** _SENATE??_ **

_ Foxter: In my defense, I was hammered _

_ Codi: ah, drunk fox, my favorite fox. _

_ Foxter: absolutely rude. I don't remember what I do when I get drunk and you know that. _

_ Codi: you become a different person three shots in. _

_ Foxter: well. Its better than the time me and thorne got BFF tattoos on Kamino. _

_ Wulf: WHAT _

_ Pondsering: HE WASN'T EVEN IN OUR TRAINING SQUAD _

_ Foxter: and? He's still my best friend. _

**Foxter sent an image: **lockettattoos.png

_ Foxter: it's on my ankle. Thorne has his on his side. _

_ 2Bly2Furious: how. How often do you get hammered enough to get tattooed? _

_ Foxter: i have twelve. Is that an answer? _

_ Bottle Blonde: WHAT _

_ Pondsering: explain. _

_ Foxter: well. I have the tramp stamp, the ankle tattoo, I have seven quotes across my ribs, a fox on my back, and two birds above my hip. _

_ Codi: how is fox actually cool right now _

_ Wulf: I don't know but it feels so wrong. _

**Foxter sent an image**: fox-in-the-underbrush.png

_ Bottle Blonde: that's. Holy shit dude that's beautiful. _

_ 2Bly2Furious: who does your ink?????? _

_ Foxter: one of the guard. Her name is stinger _

_ Wulf: dude like. The skill,,, _

_ Foxter: c'mon you guys have gotta have tattoos too, I can't be alone here. _

_ Wulf: I can't believe you have this absolutely stunning tattoo, and then directly below it the Senate Crest. That feels disrespectful. _

_ Foxter: i was drunk!! _

_ Wulf: shameful. _

_ Foxter: ok fine. Do you have any tattoos wolffe? Or are you a little bitch? _

_ Wulf: that's none of your beeswax _

_ Foxter: that's what I thought. Bitch. _

_ Codi: hey it's okay wolffe i don't have a tattoo either _

_ 2Bly2Furious: I have aaylas name!! :D _

_ Foxter: buddy that's not a surprise _

_ 2Bly2Furious: I love my cool girlfriend _

_ Codi: that's fucking adorable Bly _

_ 2Bly2Furious: you should get obiwans name! _

_ Codi: and be mocked relentlessly? No. _

_ Bottle Blonde: you're their superior officer and you have a death glare im pretty sure you wouldn't get any shit _

_ Codi: no I'm talking about Obi-Wan himself. _

_ Codi: he'd never let me live it down. _

_ Pondsering: I don't have one, but Mace has this really cool silver one of some Jedi symbol. It kicks ass. _

_ Foxter: are you telling me that Bly and I are the only ones with tattoos? _

_ Bottle Blonde: yeah _

_ Codi: uh huh _

_ Pondsering: yep _

_ Wulf: you betcha! _

_ Foxter: this is lame. Next time I see any one of you, I'm going to drag you to get a tattoo. _

_ Foxter: start thinking about it. _

_ Foxter: otherwise I can't say that drunk me won't make sure _ ** _all_ ** _ of you get Senate tramp stamps. _

\-----

_ Bottle Blonde: day thirty eight of skywalker. What the fuck. What the fuck. Cody how the fuck did you ever deal with this. _

_ Codi: poorly. What's he done now? _

_ Bottle Blonde: he just. Does he always fly like that?? _

_ Codi: ah. You've encountered skywalkers piloting. _

_ Bottle Blonde: I barely made it out alive! _

_ Codi: I had to deal with it when he was a padawan. Now it's your turn. _

_ Bottle Blonde: YOU ONLY HAD HIM FOR A YEAR. I HAVE HIM UNTIL THIS FUCKING WAR ENDS. _

_ Codi: sucker. _

_ Wulf: i. Im afraid to ask. _

_ Bottle Blonde: let me put it this way. I didn't know you could fly a starfighter through a rural village, and end up with straw in your mouth. _

_ Codi: oh he opened the cockpit huh _

_ Pondsering: WHAT _

_ Pondsering: WHILE FLYING?? _

_ Pondsering: WHAT? WHAT. _

_ Codi: apparently he also podraces. _

_ Codi: has been since he was _ ** _six._ **

_ Bottle Blonde: im doomed. _


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I'm sure is true for a lot of you, it's been a rough, stressful past few weeks. Hopefully a little humor can help you through this. Stay safe, I love you.

_ Ready Reader Rex: WOLFFE  _

_ Woof: whatever it is, i didn't do it _

_ Woof: what is it you're angry about though _

_ Woof: just so i can prove my innocence _

_ Ready Reader Rex: APPARENTLY YOUR JEDI HAD PICKED UP A STRAGGLER A FEW YEARS BACK AND NOW I HAVE  _ ** _TWO_ ** _ CRAZY JEDI _

_ Woof: how is this my fault? This one I definitely didn't do. _

_ Codester: lmao _

_ Ready Reader Rex: SHE'S LIKE SIX _

_ Codester: she's fourteen. _

_ Ready Reader Rex: AND??? _

_ Woof: I genuinely can't figure out how this is my fault _

_ Ready Reader Rex: this is awful. Oh my God it's like I'm watching a cadet _

_ Ready Reader Rex: but this cadet can use the force _

_ Ready Reader Rex: OH GOD  _

_ Ready Reader Rex: DO JEDI GO THROUGH PUBERTY??? _

_ Codester: i sure hope so? _

_ Ready Reader Rex: WHATS A HORMONAL JEDI GONNA LOOK LIKE? _

_ Woof: F in the chat for Rex _

_ Codester: F _

_ Fox: F _

_ Pondsering: F _

_ Blynded by the light: F _

_ Ready Reader Rex: this is so sad. R2-D2, play max rebos cantina mix. _

\-----

_ Rextangle: can you return a Jedi? _

_ Pondsering: you cannot. I've tried. _

\-----

_ Rextangle: awful. Awful this is so bad. _

_ Fox: ?? _

_ Rextangle: i do Not like babysitting. _

_ Codester: oh my god you're so dramatic she's a teenager _

_ Blynded by the light: do you not remember when we were teenagers?? _

_ Codester: we weren't that bad _

_ Pondsering: clearly you don't remember the incident with Prime and Alpha-17. If i recall correctly, it ended with you having a broken hand, and Fett with a nasty bruise _

_ Codester: THAT WASN'T MY FAULT _

_ Woof: sure it wasn't. _

_ Rextangle: THIS ISN'T INSPIRING CONFIDENCE IN ME _

_ Pondsering: it's not meant to.  _

\-----

_ Rextangle: okay. _

_ Rextangle: the baby Jedi is kinda fun. _

**[Codester ** ** _changed _ ** **Rextangle** ** _'s name to _ ** **Babysitter Supreme]**

_ Babysitter Supreme: FUCK OFF. _

_ Woof: lmao _

_ Blynded by the light: aww, rex is finally a big brother _

_ Babysitter Supreme: i am NOT THAT YOUNG _

_ Pondsering: what was that, cadet? Use your big boy voice. _

**[Fox ** ** _has changed_ ** ** Babysitter Supreme** ** _'s name to _ ** **Baby]**

_ Baby: i am going to commit a crime _

_ Fox: aw, babies first arson! _

_ Codester: NICE ONE FOX _

\-----

_ Codester: good morning my fellow homosexuals _

_ Pondsering:  _ **@Fox**

_ Rexyback:  _ **@Fox**

_ Blynt:  _ **@Fox**

_ Wolffenstein:  _ **@Fox**

_ Fox: ah. Thorn told you guys, huh? _

_ Rexyback: stone actually, he sent out a mass text _

_ Fox: wh _

_ Fox: that motherfucker is dead _

_ Codester: i thought you were ahem. ""Straight"" _

_ Fox: so did I, but apparently last night I was sticking my tongue so far down another guy's throat that being straight didn't cross my mind _

_ Pondsering: good for you.  _

_ Wolffenstein: king _

_ Rexyback: what's the opposite of 'F' _

_ Blynt: don't make me do math _

_ Fox: hold on _

_ Fox:  _ ** _math?_ **

_ Blynt: cause you have to subtract the same number of letters on either side?? _

_ Fox:  _ ** _WHAT_ **

_ Codester: no no, he's got a point _

_ Fox:  _ ** _WHAT???? _ **

_ Blynt: uh yeah, I'm not dumb?? _

_ Fox: I need to go lay down _

_ Pondsering: why? _

_ Wolffenstein: it's because he's got that sexy twi'lek guy in his bed, no doubt _

_ Fox: I DO NOT _

_ Fox: and for your information it was him and also a nautolan gentleman who was quite easy on the eyes _

_ Codester: FOX??????? _

_ Fox: :-) _

_ Rexyback: i… holy shit _

_ Wolffenstein: I reiterate. King. _

_ Blynt: the fact that you've just accepted what we've all been trying to tell you for years is nothing short of incredible _

_ Fox: oh, make no mistake, I'm in the midst of a crisis, but it's VERY fun to fuck with you guys _

_ Codester: you devious bastard _

_ Fox: anyway, im going to go stare at my own reflection until i can't tell it's me anymore _

_ Pondsering: ah, there's the disaster Fox I know and love _

_ Wolffenstein: make sure to drink water when you're crying! _

**Fox sent an image: ** thebird.png

_ Fox: assholes. _

_ Blynt: if anyone was wondering the opposite of F is U _

_ Fox: oh, so. F U? _

\-----

_ Rexton: baby jedi update _

_ Codypendant: ahsoka. You can use her name, Rex. _

_ Rexton:  _ ** _baby jedi update_ **

_ Blyty: give me the child deets _

_ Rexton: two whole lightsabers _

_ Pondsering: oh dear God _

_ Wolffie: that's. Oh no. _

_ Rexton: THAT SHE USES REVERSE GRIP FOR _

_ Blyty: OH NO SHES GONNA GET HURT _

_ Foxy Grandpa: well, that's not great _

_ Rexton: GEE THANKS FOR POINTING THAT OUT, CAPTAIN OBVIOUS _

_ Foxy Grandpa: that'd be commander obvious, actually _

_ Codypendant: man that's rough, well I mean. _

_ Codypendant: clearly skywalker knows a guy for new arms _

_ Codypendant: just in case? _

_ Rexton:  _ ** _CODY_ **

_ Codypendant: IM JUST SAYING! _

_ Codypendant: it never hurts to be prepared, I have all the parts the blacknet told me I needed to build a lightsaber _

_ Foxy Grandpa: I didn't read that. _

_ Foxy Grandpa: if you're gonna commit felonies, DONT KARKING TELL ME _

_ Codypendant: oops _

_ Wolffenstein: uh. Asking for a friend. Where might I find that list? _

_ Codypendant: I'll DM you _

_ Pondsering: god i wish I could see Fox's face right now _

_ Foxy Grandpa: I HATE ALL OF YOU _

_ Rexton: this isn't going to end well _

_ Blynt: are you kidding me? I'm putting money down on this! _

_ Foxy Grandpa: G A M B L I N G? _

_ Pondsering: twenty cred that fox burst a blood vessel just now _

_ Wolffenstein: im not stupid enough to make that bet _

\-----

_ Pondsering: now. Let's say i accidentally sent my general a few uh. _

_ Pondsering: illegal resource links about what to do if, theoretically, you were deserting an army _

_ Pondsering: how do I get him to not look into the records of all the KIA and MIA? _

_ Wolffenstein: of all the things you could fuck up ponds. _

_ Codyfu: shit, which ones? I can purge their traces. _

_ Foxtrot: damn that's not even remotely in the realm of 'good' _

_ Blyder: ponds if you need to cut and run, I have a tattoo gun and aayla will vouch for you _

_ Foxtrot: I already have tattoos designed for you ready to go _

_ Rexton: Ponds? _

_ Codyfu: has anyone heard from ponds? _

_ Wolffenstein: this is, how the correlians say, Bad News _

_ Codyfu: his last message was nearly thirty minutes ago, it says he's offline _

_ Foxtrot: not sure how reassuring it is, but his vitals are still strong _

_ Blyder: … why do you know that? _

_ Foxtrot: I lowjacked all of you years ago _

_ Wolffenstein: if I didn't know that's how you showed you cared, I'd be worried _

_ Rexton: am  _ ** _I _ ** _ lowjacked? _

_ Foxtrot: obviously, I got you the last time Skywalker was planetside. _

_ Rexton: huh  _

_ Rexton: don't tell my medic _

_ Codyfu: oh shit yeah, don't tell terror _

_ Foxtrot: i would never stoop that low _

_ Foxtrot: unless you really piss me off. _

_ Foxtrot: WAIT PONDS IS BACK ON _

_ Pondsering: well, nice to know that you worried, and then promptly got distracted _

_ Blyder: wolffe was working on it _

_ Wolffenstein: aw. I'm almost disappointed that I don't have to break you out and help you disappear. _

_ Codyfu: you still secretly want to be black ops so badly, huh? _

_ Wolffenstein: shut up. Ponds, what's happening? _

_ Pondsering: he just pulled me aside and we talked about nothing important for twenty minutes, and then he handed me a comm code for a pro bono resettlement agency _

_ Foxtrot: oh good, I liked those resources, glad we don't have to drop and burn them _

_ Pondsering: and then he sent me an image of a toddler standing behind a lamp and captioned it 'you, thinking you're being secretive' _

_ Codyfu: oh my god _

_ Rexton: he made a JOKE? _

_ Pondsering: i knew he was my best friend for a reason _

_ Wolffenstein: HEY _

_ Foxtrot: HEY NOW _

_ Rexton: makes sense _

_ Codyfu: HOW DARE YOU _

_ Blyder: hey! :-( _

_ Pondsering: lol. _

_ Pondsering: before Mace it was Alpha-22 _

**[Several people are typing]**

\-----

_ Rexsome: hey did you know that togruta eat raw meat? _

_ Blyder: oh no _

_ Rexsome: and I mean  _ ** _raw_ **

_ Blyder:  _ ** _oh no_ **

_ Foxter: what _

_ Rexsome: ive stared down death, yet nothing is quite as intimidating as a teenager girl just. Digging into an animal with her bare hands. _

_ Codyfu: oh wack _

_ Codyfu: I mean, different species are different but like. Wack. _

_ Rexsome: to be fair, I don't think the rations provided have the right proteins for her, because she's always hungry _

_ Rexsome: but honestly? I think we could win the war if she just did that in front of Dooku _

_ Rexsome: he'd be so intimidated he'd just surrender _

_ beowolffe: what did Skywalker do? _

_ Rexsome: started foraging for his own protein _

_ Codyfu: insects? _

_ Rexsome: no, lizards this time. _

_ Rexsome: they were throwing them at eachother and seeing who could catch the most in their mouths. _

_ Rexsome: at least the two of them are getting along?  _

_ Foxter: I'm so glad I don't have a Jedi, holy shit _

\-----

_ foxboxvox: let's play a game called 'how many assaination attempts can I stop'  _

_ foxboxvox: so far, we're at six _

_ beowolffe: hey that's not bad _

_ foxboxvox: you didn't let me finish. Six today. _

_ Pondsering: oh mercy _

_ foxboxvox: im competing with stone, thorn said he'd buy whoever stopped the most a beer _

_ Codyfu: you don't even like beer _

_ foxboxvox: maybe not, but it's the winning that matters _

\-----

_ Codyfu: how to tell my idiot Jedi that I love him, an autobiography. _

_ Codyfu: step one, be sedated by medic _

_ Codyfu: step two, say it in a haze of drugs _

_ Codyfu: step three, jedi doesn't think I meant it _

_ Codyfu: step four, ??? _

_ Codyfu: step five, profit. _

_ beowolffe: thank you, I need to be cheered up today _

_ Rexsome: I'm crying Cody you're such a mess _

_ Pondsering: im so glad I'll never have to worry about this _

_ Codyfu: yes fine. Laugh at my suffering. _

_ Blyder: will do! Aayla says that you're both being stupid though, and that you both need to have a conversation like grown ups _

_ Codyfu: no you cant make me _

_ foxboxvox: this is better than television _

_ Codyfu: you all SUCK _

_ Codyfu: I am going to go glare at shinies until I feel better _

_ Rexsome: F in the chat for those poor shinies _

_ foxboxvox: F _

_ Blyder: F _

_ beowolffe: F _

_ Pondsering: F _

_ Codyfu: I hate you all _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also if you're going outside your house for anything but essential activities I'm going to suplex you.

**Author's Note:**

> Might add more? Consider it finished for now, but if you folks chuck ideas into the comment void, I might rope together a few more chapters

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [this is my hell](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24006040) by [FlyingFreeYT](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlyingFreeYT/pseuds/FlyingFreeYT)
  * [Group chats of chaos](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24665251) by [Bigbimess](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bigbimess/pseuds/Bigbimess)
  * [Who Is Running This Army?!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24919663) by [Slireon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Slireon/pseuds/Slireon), [WilliamAGrey](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WilliamAGrey/pseuds/WilliamAGrey)
  * [RIP; Server Restart](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24958729) by [TheStageManager](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheStageManager/pseuds/TheStageManager)
  * [Shining Bright Above You](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25700359) by [kototyph](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kototyph/pseuds/kototyph)


End file.
